White Flag

Let's get one thing straight: I never claimed to be a simple individual. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. Our relationship was so intense and hit and miss everyday that it was a miracle it never escalated to violence. We knew each other too well and had way too much in common. We knew what buttons to push and how to word things to place ourselves in the right and the other in the wrong. I hated us.

God I wanted to kill you sometimes. I wanted nothing more than to pick myself up, flip you the bird, and walk away. Never think of you and never have to say your name. Because me, I deserved better. I deserved the world on a silver platter. A man to calm me down, not ruffle my feathers. A man to support me, not guilt me. I wanted space and to be left alone. Fuck you, ass hole.

But then, when my blood pressure dropped and the headache subsided and my bed became oh so cold you were the first one I called. You were sorry, I was sorry, let's hang out. Ok. But just as friends. So we can be friends with benefits? Yea that's fine by me. I like sex. Especially ours. A date? Well, I don't know. That's awfully sweet of you.. yea, ok. But it was always a matter of time before another fight came up over something ridiculous. Something that could be so insignificant but so dooming to our relationship.

Relationship? What relationship? Were we dating? I mean, sex doesn't mean boyfriend and girlfriend. That's just physical stuff. The dates.. yea I guess I could've said no. But it was nice to go out and do something for a change. And if we're not dating, why am I so jealous? Why am I so angry at all these secrets you keep from me? Maybe we're not in a relationship but since I'm bearing my heart and soul to you, God dammit I expect the same in return. Why is everything such a mystery around you? Why can't you just come out and say it like you do everything else? Why are you doing this to me? I love you. Loved you?

I would have never put up with all the drama and bull shit and tears and heart ache if I didn't love you. So don't you dare sit back and say I'm not the girl you knew. That the girl you fell in love with was someone else. Fuck you. I was the same all along. You're the one that couldn't tell me to my face all the things I had to hear from other people. Things that make me look foolish and naive. Fuck you for hiding those things. Things you thought I wouldn't understand. Things you thought I'd judge you for. After I knew and defended you for over a year you obviously still didn't know who I was. I was fascinated and bewitched by you. You were different and made me feel whole. But you, you could never let me in.

But by far the worst thing you ever did to me was make me love you.

Circling

Fallen leaves crunched beneath his heavy, black boots. The air is cold and stings the cheek and lungs. The sun is setting so he quickens his pace; he must find her. The path he chose is surrounded by a canopy of trees and far from any human existance.

"This path," he thinks, "has been long neglected."

When he reaches the clearing, she isn't there. She promised though. He stands alone and distraught. Pondering what he will do next. Then, he hears it. A laugh. Her laugh. It cut the evening air almost as sharp as the cold breeze. He looks over his left shoulder in her direction.

"No," she says to his right. "Over here." He turns to look, and nothing. "No," she says behind him. "Over here." He turns and looks again. Still nothing. "Come and find me," she purred. "This will be fun."

Her voice was coming from every direction. He turned again and again searching for just one glimpse. The air was growing colder with each passing minute and the clearing growing dark. "Why is she hiding?"

She laughed again. "You'll never find me." Her sing-song voice taunted him. He was looking. He was searching through this vast darkness. Why could she not just approach him? He backed up to the tree line vowing to spot his temptress. She was laughing again. First to his left. Then to his right. Now behind him. It was coming from everywhere and growing louder and louder and louder...

He woke breathing fast in a cold sweat. It was only a dream. Just a dream. Another one, but this one seemed so real in comparison. All were bittersweet, but he would take what he could get to keep her there with him.

*this was intended for a piece of fanfiction that was never finished.

just maybe

all i have to say is: if i love you, then i want the best for you.

if i want the best for you, i want you happy.

and if you're happy, truly happy, so am i.

my chest is so tight i can't breathe but i know you're sleeping sound and tomorrow you're bound to wake up with that warm smile and a spring in your step.

that's all that matters now.

it's her turn. she can sew every cut i made.

she can kiss every tear away.

she can bottle up every ounce of love from you and never let it go.

and maybe, just maybe, she'll love you as truly and genuinely as i do.

because that's what you deserve.

pleasant dreams, love. for i know you haunt mine always.